Mama Said…

 

Mom and me on her 80th birthday.

(For those old enough to remember, this title comes from a song, sung by the Shirelles in 1960)

Not long ago, I volunteered for a Rotary work project that had a small crew of us transferring loads of bricks and concrete chunks from the terrace where they had been removed to the bed of a medium sized truck. As we settled into a steady rhythm, where three guys wheeled the barrows to two folks who lifted up two bricks at a time, to three women in the truck who rotated through positions of passing said bricks forward and arranging them in stacks of four, truck bed wide, I could hear my mother’s voice cheerily saying, “Many hands make light work!” When I shared this message with one group, somebody recalled his grandfather saying the same thing — from a chair where he observed others working.

Mom was an industrious, positive force who was not prone to giving lectures, yet managed to transfer indelible messages to her offspring. In addition to the observation about shared work, she was wont to say, “”Tis a mean bird who smears its own nest!” if she heard a family member or an employee badmouthing others, especially in public. Mom religiously cleaned up as she prepared meals, making the post-dinner task of doing the dishes (usually mine), much easier. I have learned to do the same for my husband.

Like most women of a certain age, I was cautioned to wear clean underwear at all times “in case you are in an accident.” One wonders why simply wearing clean underwear for its own sake wasn’t sufficient. A friend of mine notes that her mother added that the underwear should be pretty as well as clean, raising the question of intent. Did that particular mother see husband/partner material in EMTs in the case of an accident?

While Mom consistently stressed the need for self-sufficiency and independence, she was a loving and giving person who woke my brothers and me each morning cheerily saying:

“Rise, for the day is passing, while you lie dreaming on. Others have buckled their armor and forth to the fight have gone!”
or
“Good morning, good morning, ta-weet, ta-woo, buzz buzz.”

On another day, she might sing:

“Good morning to you, good morning to you, we’re all in our places with sunshiny faces, for this is the way to start a new day!”

Sunshiny faces were expected in our family. “Bad moods” were not tolerated. It’s not that feelings were disallowed, but grumpiness was not to be shared. Were any of us in a self-avowed bad mood, we were instructed either to go outside or to our rooms. Not a bad message, actually.

Mom believed in using the good silver and nice things for every day. I do the same. Perhaps that was part of her “Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today” philosophy, in addition to “let us live while we are yet alive,” which she and Dad modeled with significant energy and effect.

Family was all-important for Mom (and Dad). I remember countless family reunions that I didn’t particularly want to attend, but my parents insisted, saying that I would always be glad I did. They were correct.

Pondering the “little” things I learned from my mother that turned out to be big, I launched a little campaign to discover what others’ mothers had told them. In no particular order, but with a sense of shared delight, I heard the following:

“When you go out, (on a date, or even with your spouse) you should always tuck a little money in your shoe… that way if the date goes sour, you can always ditch the date and get yourself home.” The contributor thinks it was ultimately about teaching her independence (and maybe a little “planning for the worst.”)

“When things were not so good or I had enough of a negative situation, my mom said, and still says, ‘This too will pass!’

“Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.” and “90% of what you worry about never happens.”

“Don’t bang your head against the wall because it feels good when you are done.”

“Smile and the world smiles with you.” and “The world does not revolve around you.” (Reported by the youngest of 6…)

“Don’t drive with girls in the car — they are very distracting.” Said to one fellow by his mother when he got his driver’s license. He claims he ignored the advice.

“You laugh and the world laughs with you; you cry, you cry alone.” and “It’s a blessed house where people feel welcome.”

When she was pregnant and asked her mother not to smoke around her, one woman’s mother replied, “ When I was pregnant with you, I smoked and drank and you turned out fine.” Hmmm

“My mother told/taught me many things, but one that stands out is, ‘The clothes make the man.’ Obviously, it didn’t stick, but I do think about it when I need to look sharp.”

“Teeth are jewels, not tools.”

“If you love what you do for a living, you will never work a day in your life.”

“Your friends are a reflection of who you are.”

“The hurrieder I go, the behinder I get.” “Were you born in a barn?” and reminded to eat because “there are starving people in China (or Africa or…). Plus the all important, “Toilet paper goes over the top.”

One mother advised her daughter to “leave things as she found them,” and also that, were she to get married, she should marry someone like her father.

Another friend announced that his mother said, “No!” a lot. Good mothers do that, in my opinion.

My husband’s mother always reported that it was “another damn beautiful day” in Albuquerque, regardless of the weather. He thinks it was a function of her being naughty and using a swear word. I think she wanted him to move back to New Mexico.
When I asked our two grown daughters what I had said that stuck with them, they were hard pressed to recall specific phrases, though they agree I delivered consistent messages about kindness and personal responsibility and perseverance. I suppose any of the sayings I used they credit to their grandmother, my mother, which is as it should be.

On the eve of this Mother’s Day, I hope all of you will stop for a minute or two and consider what your mother said or did that has stuck with you and helped make you the person you are today. I would love to hear what those things are.

Keenly aware that not all folks had the gift of reliable mothers or shared lives with them, I hope that someone in your life stepped into that void. To all mothers, mother figures, daughters, and sons, I wish for you a day of celebration and appreciation.