My Name is Ruth

Gary Wayne and I have been married for over 53 years. He is a wonderful man who contributes a great deal to our partnership on many levels. He does not “do” the taxes, nor has he bought the last couple of cars. I have. Therefore, I find it intensely annoying when the assumption on the parts of people like car dealerships and tax preparers, is that “Gary” is the one making the important decisions. Especially, when they have had next to no contact with said Gary, and all conversations, paperwork, and payments have been with me.

When I purchased a new car last spring, I was quite sure what I wanted, having done appropriate research, not to mention, the car was for me. Wayne has his own car. Having worked with the dealership before, I was also comfortable in placing the order after a test drive and a couple of related explorations. When it came time to do so, the salesman asked me if I didn’t want to check with my husband first. Unstated: to get his approval. No, I did not.

A few months later, when I wanted to schedule a service appointment for the car, the dealership had no record of me. What? They certainly were happy to accept my cash for total purpose. Oh, wait, could it be under another name? We have a Gary Glass… I cheerfully informed them that I was the owner of the car, and that unless their records were changed to reflect to whom communications should be directed, I would take all future business elsewhere. It remains to be seen whether or not they actually did so. Therefore, it remains to be seen if I will take my business elsewhere. Since I have now purchased two cars through them, it behooves them to pay attention. Yes, his name is on the title, secondarily, because, should anything happen to me, he will have automatic ownership. The flip applies to his car. I am listed, secondarily. Strangely enough, no communications related to that vehicle come addressed to me.

Similarly, apparently there is an assumption that taxes should be filed under the husband’s name. Tradition, I suppose. Why not assume that the person bringing in all the materials is an equal partner and list her name first?

Why, you might be asking, does this bother me? Because I don’t believe for one moment that if a man is purchasing a car, they risk losing his business by asking if he doesn’t want to consult with his wife before signing a contract. Because this is yet another example of unconscious – or conscious, for that matter – treatment of women as second-class citizens. I love the ad on television that depicts a woman going to a car dealership and having no one pay her any attention – until she pulls out a male puppet, whereupon the salesmen leap to their feet. She orders on-line and elsewhere.

We all do things unconsciously, falling into patterns created over centuries. It takes a concerted effort to be more even-handed. Do you think of all couples you know as male and female (Wayne and Ruth vs Ruth and Wayne)? I have been consciously trying to think in terms of whom I have known longer: Melinda and Rob, Nelson and Cindy, Mary and Dan, John and DeAnne. If we’ve met both at the same time, I work on switching out who comes first. Perhaps it doesn’t matter to you. It does to me, and I think it matters tremendously how we consider the equality of girls and boys, boys and girls for the future.